I think that is the most random blog post title ever. Be prepared, this post is equally random…

If you know anything about me, you know that I have wanted a kid for years now. I have wanted a baby to hold and snuggle with. I have wanted a toddler to play silly games with. I have wanted a child to pour my heart and soul into. I have yearned for that connection. Don’t most women? Well, I kept thinking that I desperately wanted a child b/c it was my time to have one. I think I am learning that is so not true. You see, I am a very emotional, over-dramatic, fickle person. Some may not know the emotional part, I think everyone knows the fickle part. I think I am now learning that I agree with God, now is just not my time for a kiddo.

Tim and I have been married for about 2.5 years now. I will be very up front with you, it ain’t been easy. I love my husband SO much, but it has been hard. And NOT only b/c of him, but a lot of it is b/c of me. When the over-emotional/dramatic side of me gets involved (which is most of the time) I get extremely self-absorbed and want to shut everything and everyone out. That’s not easy when you are married. I have also wanted to bail out on everything, including the idea of having kids. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought, “we have so many problems, we have no right to have kids”. How foolish of me, and selfish. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we may have no place in having kids, but it isn’t b/c we have problems in our marriage (let me clarify: some people have marriage problems that should not have kids, at least while those problems still exist; this just does not apply to us). Anyway, I feel like I am going of on a rant. [I also want to state that I am not posting all of this to “whore” my personal journey to have more blog visits. Rather, to be real and truthful about what is going on. Believe me, I am holding back a lot. I really like the point that Los makes about this here.]

I put all of this out b/c I want to be real, more often. I LOVE the idea of a true community. I have seen it in other places and desperately desire it in my own life. It is not that it is not already there and waiting for me, I just have a hard time opening up to people. Which is odd b/c I am such an extrovert. Back to community: One thing I have really noticed, enjoyed and been encouraged by in this past year is the community I am in. One particular thing is sharing in our struggles. I can’t tell you how many times I have been encouraged by someone who has shared with me their own personal journey (victories & struggles) within their own marriage. I have no idea why, but it has had a huge impact on me lately hearing that other couples actually do have marriage problems similar to my own. And they stick it out. It pulls me away from looking at my own self so much, and causes me to look outward (that sounds much less positive than I hope it to). I just think it really is a beautiful thing: true community, not just knowing a lot of people and a lot about them.

All of that is rolled up into the whole biological clock thought process… While I have been waiting patiently to have a child, I have learned a lot about myself. I think the time between the wedding and bringing baby home that we are going thru is much needed. I have a lot of growing up to do still. I really don’t want to bring a child into my self-centered world, right now at least. Last night at church, I started to realize that while I think the babies in the nursery are so precious, holding them no longer makes me want to have one. Have I just desensitized myself towards babies? Or is the desire to have them slowly going away? Will I still want a big family in a couple of years if we keep waiting? Am I slowly coming away from desiring extravagant, unrealistic things for our family and becoming more realistic? Who knows? I know my husband will be happy if I am though 😉

I know that this is a crazy, random post. I just wanted to share one of the many thought processes going on in my head right now. All of them just as random. 🙂

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