I want it. I want it to wrap around me and make me whole. I want for every little thing I hate about myself to disappear. Every little thing that has served as a souvenir to any cruelness in my life, whether it may be from another or from my own self, to simply vanish. Every moment of emptiness, insecurity, incompleteness, uncertainty, fear to be gone. Be gone with the darkness.  I want to feel comfort. I want to feel love. I want to feel free. I want to abandon all of those things that are unholy and wrong. I want to leave them in a bad way for once. Only I cannot. Not alone. But HE can. Oh but HE can. HE IS GOOD. HE is holy and pure. PRAISE HIM!! The battle is already won. HE has won.

I feel warmth. I feel security. I feel strength…but not my own. I heard from an acquaintance the other day that “there is no righteousness in me”. You’d think that would leave me in despair. But I cannot tell you how much freedom that has given me. It is not expected of me. I do not have to perform certain tasks in order to pass the test. You see, HE is that righteousness. The ONLY being that can hold righteousness. And HE desires to save me. “What?”, I whisper, reveling in my own despair. HE DESIRES TO SAVE ME!!! I weep at His goodness!

But this GREAT RESCUE (don’t you just love it being phrased that way?) is not to make me greater (which consequently is a wonderful thing, I don’t think I could be any fuller of myself). It is to point to HIM and HIS Greatness. HE IS GREAT!! And it points others (whether I may know it or not) to HIM. Even though most of the time I falter and desire for it ALL to point to me. (Dang it, I have slipped again). But HE is there. He is there to catch me. No doubt there is discipline. Oh the sweet discipline. But, there is love, and not abuse/banishment/sarcasm/scowling, no no, there is love. There is true love from the Creator Himself. How glorious, how sweet. To phrase it as another friend told me this week, the “reality of being truly loved”. To know true love, to be truly loved is the most powerful thing in the whole world. Love covers over a multitude of sins. How…comforting.

And now, as I finish out this post of HIS greatness, HIS holiness, HIS ability to rescue me, how HE is the only one, I find myself hoping you like me. Fighting the voice in the back of my head that is telling me that I do not deserve to write this. This is untrue for me because I am not living my life for HIM. I am a LIAR. Yes, I am. Truth is, I can tell you all of these things, and desperately want them, but I do not hold on to them in my own life/mind/heart.

So my prayer is that I do. My prayer is that you and I remember these things within the next day/hour/moment/breath. Remember His goodness, His righteousness, His love, His glory.

Despite me and my hypocrisy. Despite my rudeness, my lies,  my self seeking and self centered-ness, please look to HIM. Don’t give me the time of day. See HIM. See what HE has for you. It is not about me. It never has been. It is about HIM. HE is what you have been looking for your WHOLE life. Oh HE is good. I love HIM. I really do. But only because HE loves me.