All of my life I have seen people that I really enjoyed/admired/envied/whatever and desperately wanted to be like them. I want to be cooler, liked by others, thoughtful, creative, fun, outdoorsie, crafty, and on and on and on. I have always wanted to be something else. Something that will bring me admiration and love. I am not bragging here, I know this is not attractive. Because of me wanting this so desperately, it has caused me to be less like-able; even annoying. Then I struggle with such sorrow b/c I do not have friends. Do you see here how self-focused I am? Do you see how selfish I am. I do. I am beginning too anyways. All of those times I have cried to myself or to my husband about not having friends (I do, I can sometimes slip into a weird way of seeing things). Goodness how selfish am I!? I have truly wonderful friends! I really do. But b/c they are not showering me with praise and attention, I see the illusion that they do not care for me.

If you have read any other part of my blog you might know how much I love to read adoption blogs. I love learning how these families have taken these children in. How they have rescued these children, but then again in a way these children have rescued them. The love that goes on between them all. It is amazing. I was just reading another blog that spoke of learning what really goes on in Africa and then not being able to not do something about it. Something about this made me start to think about how much I need to get over myself. Grow up! Stop being so selfish.

Not many people know this, but I am not a big fan of myself. But now that I think of it, it is b/c it is because I am claiming to be a victim of my own sin. For so long I have said, “This is how I am. There is nothing I can do about it. I have no motivation to change. I need a quick fix to change who I am. To take away the ugliness that is in me. That is me. In order for me to not be this way, I have to completely change who and how I am. I have to do it. Only I can do it. It is me who has to depend on Someone else. But how do I really do that?” That is part of the thought process that goes on inside me. So, b/c I am too lazy for dependence, I go into some type of metaphoric coma. I don’t want to do anything. I do enough for the outside world to not see me…the real me. But when I am at home, with the person (my husband) who sees who I really am, there is no need to impress. I do nothing. For the past several nights I have gone home and literally lied on the couch while he cooked dinner. I really think that I have lied there until it is time to go to bed. I say it is b/c I am so tired from work…but he knows. He loves me and loves to take care of me. I love him so much. He really is my best friend. I fear that he is disappointed. That he thinks that he was getting into something else when he married me. He assures me that this is not true. He is good to me.

W ow, I have just rambled a lot about something so hidden…usually. What I see is I need to grow up. To get over myself. To realize that the Lord is sovereign and true. That He desires me to depend on Him. That He desires to change me, mold me, make me. He is good. He loves me. I am ready to stop being so self-centered. But, how do I do that? That is all I have ever known.